Tall Tales
by plumfanatic
Summary: These are a few little bits inspired by prompts and challenges from different places that I thought I might share here on fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

These are a few little bits inspired by prompts and challenges from different places that I thought I might share here on fanfiction.

****

Author: plumfanatic  
**Spoilers/Warnings: **possibly any and all books

****

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Janet Evanovich and I am not profiting from the use of them, except of course Ranger and maybe some of the Merry Men and that is not financially, just emotionally.

****

Watching her for a moment

Watching her for a moment he realized that she made him smile.

Just because of who she was, she made him smile.

No one had ever touched him in as many ways as she had, but most of all she made him smile.

Every time he heard her name, he smiled.

It may not be visible, but he smiled.

Whenever his phone played her ring tone, he smiled.

It may be just to himself, but he smiled.

Sitting in her parking lot and seeing her silhouette he smiled.

Looking like a loon alone in his car debating with himself, he smiled.

Walking up her stairs at 3AM, he smiled.

How this white girl from the Burg had gotten under his skin and brought back his smile he would never know.

He didn't care. All that mattered was he now looked forward to each and every day just knowing at some point he would see her and she would make him smile.

That thought also made him smile.

He watched her sleep and he smiled.

If she only knew, he thought. And he smiled at the thought of her knowing. It was his full 1000 watt smile.

His body thrilled at how it might be if she only knew.

Then she smiled. She pulled back the covers and patted the bed beside her and she smiled.

He undressed quickly and joined her. He made sweet, tender and yet passionate love to her over and over till neither could move.

And then they smiled.

****

Stealth mission

Stephanie smiled as she mentally patted herself on the back for the  
success of her stealth mission. She had been secretly practicing  
stealth techniques and was now testing herself on the master. She  
had managed to get into the apartment and was peeking around the  
doorway of his bedroom. He would be awed and impressed by her  
prowess. She got goose bumps when she imagined him telling her he  
was proud of her. Very few things made her feel as happy and content  
as when Ranger said, "Proud of you Babe."  
Her eyes went wide when she realized he was undressing. His back  
was to her. Her pulse quickened as he pulled the shirt over his  
broad shoulders and head. His hair seemed to float back into place  
in slow motion for her causing her to shudder. She stood petrified  
as he unbuckled his belt and she saw the waist band loosen across his  
narrow hips. As the pants slowly slid down, he bent over slightly to  
pull them off. All she could think was that he must have the finest  
ass in the world. Her mind reeled at the sight of the perfection  
presented to her causing her heart to race and she could feel her  
body heat up. As he pulled the other leg of the pants off she  
realized she hadn't been breathing and tried not to make a sound as  
she was gasping for breath.  
"My ass isn't my best part, babe," Ranger said, smiling at  
me. " (Hard Eight...Chapter 10)

The challenge was something for St. Patrick's Day, but since most of the characters are Italian, Hungarian, Cuban or whatever, I thought it was best to go with some limericks.

I really had no idea how to write a limerick since high school was 35 years ago and I have just begun writing in general for the first time in my life, so please bear with me.

**__**

Ranger

A mystery man named Ranger

Lived a life fraught with danger.

Though not searching for love

Till was sent from above,

His Babe, and he'll never exchange her.

__

Rex

Our hero, a hamster named Rex

Was lonely and needed some sex.

While trying to show

That he needed a 'ho

She laughed when he started to flex.

__

Vinnie

I know of a bondsman named Vinnie

His voice is high pitched and tinny.

He makes lots of bucks

And he sure loves his ducks

Cause his peter is just so damn skinny.

__

Quandary

Steph's friends all wish they had two

Hot men from which they could choose

One ever so steady,

The other quite ready

Oh my what's our Babe going to do?

__

Carlos

Stephanie loves a guy named Carlos

Her emotions she just can't compose

His skin feels like butter

He makes her heart flutter

This makes Joe, her boyfriend, morose

__

Lula

I know a woman named Lula

Call her fat, she'll probably shoot ya

There is no mistakin

The girl loves her bacon

But Tank still loves her to hula

This is the very first thing I wrote and actually posted, it's 3 challenge prompts in one.

****

Challenge: January 2007 Challenges: Let it snow!, Surveillance and This is My One Phone Call

Author: plumfanatic  
**Title: Plum Pro in the Snow**  
**Rating:** (G to NC-17) **Some adult language**  
**Spoilers/Warnings: None**  
.

Thank goodness Trenton was experiencing unseasonably warm weather for November. It was one week before Thanksgiving and there still hasn't been any snow and the temperature was in the seventy's all day long. So Stephanie wasn't too concerned about her surveillance/distraction job tonight. She was going to be scantily dressed and would prefer not to freeze off her assets.

The job tonight was an easy one. All she had to do was wait for Benjamin Dover to come home from his night of partying. He was usually fairly well intoxicated and it should be a snap to get him to fall for the bait, which of course was Stephanie. Ben Dover had been arrested for solicitation and exposing himself in public. He had been walking home from a party and came upon a very fine looking woman in a short skirt and tight sweater. He thought she was a pro and offered her 100 to go in the alley with him and bend over for a quickie. Unfortunately for him, she was an off-duty policewoman waiting for her husband to bring the car around. She might have let him off if he hadn't already had his pants unzipped massaging himself and the money in the other hand.

Some people just shouldn't drink, because they obviously can't afford the loss of any more brain cells.

Apparently, Ben Dover hasn't recovered any of those brain cells. He failed to appear for his court hearing and now Steph was going to assist him.

So here she was, sitting a few blocks from his apartment building waiting for him to come home. He was an early night kind of guy and so she was hoping she wouldn't be here too long. It had been a tough day and she hadn't had time to take a nap. She was wearing a tight knee length black skirt with a slit up the back, a plunging scoop neck blouse and her purple FMP'S. She really wanted to get out of these clothes and just climb in to her bed. But, Christmas was fast approaching and she needed the extra cash, so hurry up Benny.

Lula was in her car a few blocks on the other side of Ben's apartment building so she could call Steph in case he came from the other direction.

Between the two of them surely they would spot the guy and have no trouble bringing him in…yeah, right.

Lula quickly became distracted listening to Justin Timberlake bring his "SexyBack" on her headphones and flicking through a magazine.

Stephanie tried hard to stay alert but sitting in one spot for very long drove her crazy and claustrophobic. She tried to fill the time by thinking about the men in her life. First and foremost was Rex, her hamster. He was the best, throw him a few goodies and clean out his home once a week and he was the greatest roommate possible. Then there were the other two. She loved them both…but what did that mean? Did it mean she was fickle, kinky, over-sexed, greedy or just plain confused? How could this have happened to her? She never planned on falling for two men at once. Hell, one man at a time was more than enough to handle. It's not as if she could have an intimate relationship with both, she just wasn't built that way. If her hormones and her sanity weren't already in an uproar, they surely would be if she was bed hopping. Not to mention having sex with Joe "The Italian Stallion" Morelli **AND** Ranger "The Cuban Sex God" Manoso would probably drain all of what little energy she did have and she would definitely be walking funny. All of this just made Stephanie drowsy and soon she drifted off to la-la land. The dream began immediately…or was it a nightmare…or maybe just a cruel joke her mind was playing on her. She was married to Joe. She was a Burg housewife (ok, must be a nightmare) with two children, (Joe Jr. and Violet) a dog, (Mel) a cat (Ody) and of course Rex. Her days were filled with car-pooling, housework, cooking, laundry, running errands and all of the wonderful things that Burg wives fill their days doing. Joe told her she could still work for Vinnie in her "spare time". The worst part of it all is Joe gave her a routine, an ACTUAL SCHEDULE, as in getting up at the same time six days a week to get the kids dressed, fed and to school or whatever activity was planned for Saturday. She had a specific time to take her shower and different chores and days and times when to do them posted on the huge wall calendar. It was also filled with doctor appointments, birthday parties, soccer practice, music lessons, veterinary trips, recycling, exercise?, menus, time for mending and sewing, time allotted for phone calls to friends, help kids with homework, time for grocery shopping and shopping for the kids, (when do I go to Macy's?) and on and on until finally yes, there it is: sex: Saturday night 11:00-11:15. **Mrs. Happy Housewife…NOT!! **Her cell phone rang…no, can't be, it's not on the schedule. SHIT!! Stephanie woke up in a major panic, holy domestic overload batman, what a nightmare!

She found her phone and answered it. It was Lula and Ben Dover was coming from her direction. Lula told her to get out and start struttin' her stuff. Steph threw down the phone and jumped out of the car not quite awake. She was on her butt before she knew what had happened. Why in the hell was she so fricking cold and wet? Damn, she looked up at the huge, white fluffy snow falling all around her. How long had she been asleep? The temperature had taken a nose dive and there was now three inches of snow on the ground and she was lying on the sidewalk wearing mostly nothing. It must have started out as rain because there was a sheet of ice under the snow. There must have also been some really heavy snowfall while she was asleep too. Maybe that's why Ben Dover was so late tonight. He probably just had a few more drinks to wait out the heavy snow.

Okay.

Move, she told herself, he's going to get away. It would be so much harder to get him out of his apartment. She just needed to lure him into her car and everything else would be a piece of cake, preferably a TastyKake. Hmm, sounds good about now after that evil dream.

She stood up, brushed herself off, took one step and was flat on her ass again. She lifted up a leg and stared down at the purple FMP on her foot and cursed a blue streak. Isn't this going to be fun? A sane person would have gotten back in the car and called it a night. But no, not Stephanie Plum, crime fighter extraordinaire, Trenton's own Wonder Woman, She was going to get her skip come hell or high water (even if the water is in the form of snow).

This would actually be a fantastic night to be snuggled up to a nice firm male body with a fire blazing and watching the snow fall through a nice large window say maybe from a seventh floor apartment to give it the full view affect. Hmmm, perhaps something to think about for later…Let it snow.

Her phone rang again.

Lula.

"What?" she quietly yelled into the phone.

"Git yo' skinny white ass movin' or we be losin' this fool." Lula said. "Whatcha doin over there?"

"You try walking in these shoes on this ice; I'm going to break my neck." Steph said. "Be ready, I'm going to bring him to your car."

Steph walked as fast as she could towards Benny. She saw him about a block away. His building was halfway between them. She just had to get his attention before he got to the building. This wasn't hard to do as her feet went flying out from under her and she landed spread eagle. This definitely got him to notice her. He came rushing over to her, okay so he was smart enough to be wearing proper boots, and stood gaping down at her.

"So," he said, "We could do it here or my apartment is on the third floor. What's your pleasure?" He pulled a wad of money from his pocket.

The asshole didn't even try to help her up.

Stephanie just stared at him for a moment. Could this guy be for real? How does she end up with these losers, oh wait, it's her job. Normal people usually don't go FTA. Oh well, go with the flow.

"It's a bit cold and wet down here, and I don't go into places I don't know, but we could 'do it' in my car." she said in the sexiest voice she could manage in the situation. "I have a really big back seat."

"Awesome," he slurred. "where is it?"

Steph rolled her eyes and did her best impression of a woman NOT getting ready to kick this idiot in the balls.

"Sweetie, if you will help me up I'll show you to my car, the backseat and a few other things you probably haven't seen in a while." Steph said while thinking, like handcuffs, the cop shop and a nice warm (or maybe not so warm) jail cell.

His eyes lit up, "Absolutely, babe." he said.

Steph shuddered when he used the word babe, the term of endearment that Ranger used for her.

He grabbed both of her hands and started pulling her straight up which just doesn't work when you are on ice and snow and wearing three inch FMP'S. She was only a third of the way up, when her feet went out from under her and he came crashing down upon her.

"Damn!" Steph yelled.

As luck would have it the newest of Trenton's finest pulled up to the curb at that moment. Stephanie had heard there was a new rookie but hadn't met him yet. He had no clue she was The Bombshell Bounty Hunter either.

Officer Ray Gunn got out of his cruiser taking in the situation. Since only a hooker would be out on a night like this dressed looking like a hooker he assumed she was a hooker. And Ben Dover was obviously trying to get her to "do it" right here on the sidewalk since he was on top of her still clutching the wad of bills in his hand. So, naturally he decided to haul them both in. Stephanie tried to tell him that if he would just talk to the woman in the red Firebird sitting right across the…oh shit, she was gone. Lula just couldn't stick around whenever the cops showed up. Being a former prostitute she just got the willies and ran away.

Officer Gunn didn't even want to hear about her car being parked down a few blocks with her apprehension documents and identification inside. He put them in the squad car and headed for the station.

Talk about humiliation. The guys at the station were never ever going to let her live this one down. She wondered if there was a pool going for something like this happening to her.

Shit, shit, shit, shit and double shit.

At the station Officer Gunn put them in holding cells while he went to find someone to help with the processing. Stephanie yelled at his back as he walked away that she was entitled to a phone call and she wanted it NOW. Ray Gunn just said, "Yeah, yeah, when I get around to it."

Steph just wanted to get out of there before someone she knew saw her there. If her mother found out she was busted for prostitution she would be tipping the bottle and ironing at the same time.

But, who the hell was she going to call? Obviously not her parents.

Mary Lou or Val?…no she would wake the kids.

Sally, no, he had a late night gig tonight.

Connie was out on a date and Lula wasn't going to come anywhere near the cop shop.

Joe was absolutely out of the question. As soon as he found out about this he would start talking about marriage, quitting her job and how the mother of his children couldn't go around being kidnapped, shot at and busted for hooking all of the time. She needed to grow up and become the Burg wife as was expected of her. Nope, can't call Joe.

That really only left one person she could count on, as always.

Officer Gunn finally came back and let her have her phone call.

She was nervous as she dialed the phone.

It only rang once and then she heard him.

"Yo" he said.

"Yo yourself", she stammered.

"Babe, why are you calling from the P.D.? Did Lula ditch you again?" Ranger asked her.

"Well, sort of…This is my one phone call Ranger and I really need you.

" she was so dying of humiliation.

"Babe, what's up?"

"I'm in a holding cell, I was arrested for soliciting." she said the last part really fast and waited till the silent laughing stopped on the other end of the line.

"Be there in five, Babe." and he disconnected.

Ranger was true to his word. He had been on his way in with a skip of his own. Together they got everything straightened out, but oh the stories were going to spread like wildfire in the morning. The phone lines were going to be humming.

Ranger never laughed once through the whole story. She was so grateful that he never criticized or made fun of her.

When they were in Ranger's truck she thanked him with a kiss full of love, not lust, hopefully that would be a little later.

After she finished thanking him, he asked, "Hungry?"

"Starved." she replied.

"It's late, bar crowd will be hitting all the restaurants, my place okay?" he asked.

Stephanie thought back to the dream she had earlier and looked directly at him and said, "Once you told me if I wanted to know something to just ask. So, can I ask you a few questions before I answer that?"

He grinned at her, and said, "Of course, doesn't mean I will answer everything you ask, but what I do answer will be truthful."

"Fair enough." Stephanie took a deep breath and started with her inquisition.

"Do you think I should quit my job?"

"Not if it is what you want to do and it pays the bills."

"If we were living together, don't panic this is just hypothetical, would I have to cook, clean and do laundry?"

Ranger laughed, "No, Babe, I don't do any of that and wouldn't expect my partner to do so either. I can hire someone to do any of that. If we were living together it would not be because I need a maid or cook."

"Do you want more children?"

He smiled at that one. "Someday perhaps and only if my life partner wanted to have children. I don't want to bring another child into the world and not be involved in the child's life."

"Would you expect your partner to follow a rigid schedule, get up early in the morning, quit her job and change her life to suit yours?"

"Babe, are you sure you're alright?" he was beginning to be concerned. She told him she had fallen several times this evening and maybe she hit her head a little too hard.

"I'm fine. Just humor me, please Ranger."

"Babe, I would never change anything about you. If I did, you wouldn't be the woman I love. So what would be the point?"

"Wow!" was all she could say.

"One more question," she smiled. "Do you know where I can find a blazing fire, a nice strong, firm male body that likes to snuggle and make out with a large window for watching snow fall…say, maybe from a seventh floor apartment?"

Ranger brought out the 200 watt smile and simply said, "Babe, you never disappoint." He pulled the truck out of the P.D. parking lot and headed towards Rangeman and that seventh floor piece of heaven.

****

Author: plumfanatic  
**Title: Stephanie's Description of Ranger (while on a stakeout for the PP challenge of like ages ago) and including this weekend's challenge of Ranger's POV including the following words in your challenge: black, creamy, distraction and seatbelt**

I needed to have my head examined! What in God's name was I doing on a stakeout with Ranger? Ever since the Scrog nightmare I've done my best to keep my distance. The only time I've done any work with him was when "Dickie the Deceiver" was supposed to be dead, not shacked up with Joe.

We were doing so well as long as we didn't spend too much time alone together. Things were strained between us, but it's safer that way, right?

Even now I could hardly claim that I had a grasp on this deceitfully impassive, dispassionate and detached man's true being. Of course that didn't stay my heart from falling deeper into the emotional abyss that had begun to grow when he helped me out of those wretched cuffs in my shower. He could have abused me then in so many ways. Instead he treated me with more respect than anyone other than my own father would have.

He's a man true to his convictions doing his best to save a small part of the world. Okay, maybe that's a big chunk of the world, who knows where he goes and what he does when he mysteriously disappears. But he is honorable to a fault, in his own way.

And geez, he's even a good father. He may have allowed Julie to be adopted, but he did it because it was the right thing to do in his mind, not because he didn't love her. And even though Julie has been adopted, he still provides for her financially out of love. He sees her when invited and seemingly jumps on those opportune moments. He would have given his life for her…and me.

I don't think he has ever lied to me, unlike most men in my life. He encourages me to use my wits, and that damn gun, to get the job done without ever insinuating that I'm an incompetent disaster. He makes me feel important, even special with one word, one touch. And capable, dear lord, when I'm with him I truly could be Wonder Woman.

Safe, he keeps me safe from all of my fears both real and self-imposed. But can he get me past the fear of loving him? Why can't I accept the love he has offered me? It's a lot more honest than my relationship with Joe.

I thought I owed it to Joe to give our relationship a real chance, besides, bachelor number two over there doesn't come with a ring, just a condom. Of course Joe hasn't come forth with a fucking ring either and he's getting laid on a regular basis. Sure it's good, great even, but he isn't Ranger.

Joe's body is a wet dream, but Ranger's…oh yeah…Ranger's is perfection incarnate. Just look at it. Even fully clothed I could climax without touching him. If only I could take the leap.

"Babe, you asleep?"

"Huh? NO! Who, me? Fall asleep on a stakeout? Puh-lease." she replied in a defensively cocky tone. God she hoped his ESP or telepathy or whatever the hell he had wasn't working.

"You've been quiet for fifteen minutes."

She shifted in her seat to look more professional. "I can be quiet longer than that, Professor Higgins taught me well."

"Steph, you haven't moved in all that time, something's up." He was worried about her. She seemed lost and on the brink of something.

"Well, I can sit still too, contrary to popular belief." Damn man, he knows me too well she thought.

His lips formed a crooked smile as he turned back to his never ending scanning of his surroundings.

He was well aware of the turmoil in her mind and her heart. His soul would have a **black** stain on it from this scam he was running on her. But he couldn't continue the way they had been going. Ever since he had been shot they were acting like strangers.

He recalled feeding her that silly birthday cake she had brought him after that miserable stint in the hospital. Christ, when she sat on his desk and crossed her gorgeous legs right there not two inches from where his hand was resting. All he could think of was the ecstasy that could be had by running his hand up her **creamy** thighs to find nirvana. If only he had had the courage to be the opportunist he claimed to be they wouldn't be sitting here in front of his home waiting for a non-existent FTA.

All he wanted her to do was make a move, give him a sign that this is what she wanted. He could take it from there. He needed to make her a part of his life before the **distraction **she caused him got someone hurt. She was consistently popping up in his thoughts at the most awkward times. He really missed having her work take-downs. He had always taken great satisfaction in seeing her transformation when assuming a role for manipulating a mark. Not to mention how hot she looked in her _work _clothes. He wondered if she was wearing her RangeMan panties tonight.

In the corner of his eye he saw her fidget a bit and then turn to face him. Was she going to admit what was bothering her. He was well aware that after the eternity of avoiding each other it would be hell for her to be alone like this with him. He was confident of her feelings for him, but he wanted her to take the first step, no pressure. Well maybe a little.

He felt a need to adjust his pants as he watched her lick her lips nervously as she flipped her hair back.

"Ranger?"

"Babe?"

"I've been thinking."

No shit he thought, her thought process was heating up the car. He could feel her running every possible reason to avoid the inevitable. And it _was_ inevitable. She needed to give in to it as he had done so recently.

"Please don't be mad, I would rather give up sex forever than destroy our friendship. I want to, _need_ to tell you that I…" she stopped, searching for the courage, wringing her hands in her lap.

Ranger reached over to still her hands and hopefully give her strength.

"That you what Stephanie?"

"ThatIwantyoutotakemetotheBatcaveandisitreallyforeverandIthinkIloveyou!" she spit out as fast as her mouth would move before she lost her nerve.

Ranger let out the breath he had been holding. He cupped her hands in his and brought them to his mouth. He spoke softly.

"Now?"

"Y-yes, please?"

"It really is forever Stephanie. I don't make commitments lightly."

"I know, neither do I."

His heart soared and the smile lit up the car. "To the Batcave then, and Stephanie, you've always known you had my heart."

His mouth found hers in a tender passionate kiss.

"Let's go Tiger."

Steph pulled on her **seatbelt** both anxious and frightened as he started the car.

He pulled into the driveway of the house they had been watching as he pushed a button on a remote control. Her head snapped to look at him as they pulled into the huge garage.

"This is the Batcave?"

He nodded his head with his gotcha smile in place as he parked the car and closed the garage door.

"But how did you know I would, hell I didn't know."

"Faith Stephanie. I had faith in the bond that we share and our love. And if that didn't work, I was going to do this."

He pulled her across the seat and into his lap capturing her mouth. His assault was filled with the passion that had consumed him ever since he had taken those bullets.

Now this was an attack she didn't want to escape from. _This_ she could handle with all the skills and weapons in her arsenal, and she planned on using the big guns.

****

If Only

Stephanie felt a hundred years old as she stepped out of the shower, towel on her head and wrapped in the coziness of the enormous towel she had commandeered from his bathroom. It held his scent in the soft fluff of the last towel he had ever used. Strange that Ella hadn't already washed it. But then she was suffering too, as they all were.

Gazing at her reflection in the mirror, she remembered that one glorious night they had spent together. He was truly the master of making love, at least for her. She had to admit now one of the truths she had been denying. He had made love to her. It hadn't been sex. For both of them it had been the first and only true joining of love they had experienced. They had made love right here where she was standing, watching each other as they joined in euphoria that night.

A tear slid down her face as she forced the memory to the back of her mind. One of countless missed opportunities to lose herself in for many lonely years to come. **If only **she had been strong enough to give in, let herself admit the love that had swelled in her heart to overflowing.

Dragging herself to the closet she wondered why she hadn't gotten her dress from the back of the closet earlier. It would probably need steamed at the least. Damn. Pushing the clothes around until she found the dress she would wear for the last time. There was no way she could ever put it on after wearing it to his…her body trembled, she couldn't bear to even think the thought…his…funeral. The tears flowed freely once again but she forced herself to continue the arduous search.

Her hand fell on the black dress. With a shudder she pulled it out.

Her heart stopped. She swore she felt her heart explode as she pulled the plastic off of the dress. It wasn't the anticipated black dress she kept in the back of the closet for "solemn occasions". Her knees buckled under her, no longer able to bear the ton of weight of guilt, grief and despair Stephanie had gained in the last couple of days. Her body quaked with the irrepressible sobs and wails of her anguish.

She had let him down. He walked into that room knowing full well he was going to die. Knowing it was his last seconds on earth, he had told her and she knew it all. She was his reason for living and for dying. He loved her as no other, always.

She stared at the little black dress once more and remembered what he had said when she showed it to him. _"If you knew, you wouldn't be standing here," Ranger said. "If you  
knew, you'd have yourself barricaded in the bedroom with your gun in  
your hand."_

****

If only she had been honest when she had made that stupid phone call, it would have been Ranger she answered the door to not Morelli. And now it was too late, he would never have the chance to…her cell phone rang. She ignored it. She wasn't sure she had actually heard it. A few minutes later her land line pealed. It rang and rang. Why wasn't her machine picking up? And why the hell didn't the idiot get the idea she didn't want to talk to anyone? Couldn't they understand what she was going through? It stopped finally and she sat transfixed in her spot without any desire to move again.

She must have fallen asleep. She was dreaming that Ranger was gently massaging her arms and planting butterfly kisses on her face. He was trying to wake her up. And that damn phone, why wouldn't it quit ringing? Oh, **if only **he were really…

Stephanie woke when Ranger's lips finally found her mouth as he spoke softly against it. "Wake up Babe, it's another nightmare. I'm safe, Julie's safe." He lifted her tenderly into his embrace. "And, by the way, you _are_ my life and my breath. Seré siempre aquí para ti mi amor."

Pie Challenge

Morelli watched from behind the curtains his Aunt Rose had left as

Stephanie ran out of his door and into the arms of that Cuban

bastard. He felt the greed and need of their embrace. He could

almost feel the passion as they kissed voraciously right there in

front of his home. Christ, were they going to do it on his sidewalk.

He couldn't tear his eyes away as Ranger lifted Steph's legs and for

a brief flash he saw the impressively huge evidence of Manoso's

arousal. Fuck, Joe knew he was more than well endowed himself, but

compared to what he just witnessed, his own manhood was nothing more

than a wet noodle.

He continued to watch as Ranger carried his cupcake to the

passenger side and somehow got her into the tiny sports car without

ever pulling his mouth from hers.

Manoso ran around the car, got in, but didn't drive away. He

imagined they were getting very hot and heavy and Stephanie probably

even came at least once before they finally pulled away from the

curb.

Joe realized after they were out of sight that he had his

aforementioned wet noodle in his hand and it was now very hard and

needed some release.

Shit, this was pathetic, he was fucking whacking himself off while

watching his girlfriend, oh wait, now ex-girlfriend, dry humping his

nemesis.

To hell with it, he deserved a good hand job after the day he had.

Hell, not a hand job he thought. He needed something warm and moist

and slippery to blow this wad into.

Joe stroked himself vigorously as he walked through the house

searching for just the right place to stick his...there it was.it

was a sign. His mother had dropped off a steaming hot fresh baked

plum/apple pie right in the middle of the blowout with Stephanie. It

would be cooled down enough by now. He stuck in his thumb and pulled

out a warm plum. The irony escaped him as he sheathed himself in the

warm, soft, gooey goodness. He was quick in coming into the pie and

squelched the screaming of her name by sticking the plum into his

mouth as he shuddered his release.

Ranger just ate Plum pie.


	2. Chapter 2

Weekend challenge. **"_his cargos slowly slid to the floor"_**

--

"You gonna tell me what the hell was goin' on with you and Batman out in the alley last night white girl?" Lula demanded. "Looked to me like you and the Wizard wuz getting' mighty friendly."

Oh shit, she had thought they were the last ones to leave the Bonds office. Stephanie's mind flashed back to the evening before when Ranger insisted she wait for him to finish up his paper work so he could walk her to her car. He didn't have to ask her a second time. Ranger hadn't "escorted" her to her car ever since her final breakup with Joe. She was confused by his elusiveness and realized how much she missed the stolen gropes and erotic kisses he thought he was _stealing _in the alley. If she were to admit the truth to herself, she had always anticipated his touch and kiss. Her blood raced south as she remembered how he had leaned into her forcing her back to her car planting whispers of erotic things in her ear. Somehow, as he was torturing her with his mouth, his breath, his tongue, his words he had maneuvered them to the door of his very large SUV. Her heart fluttered and soared at the same time as he told her tonight was the night. It was time. The promise of ruination was upon her he spoke softly into her mouth right before capturing it with his. His plan had been to take her to dinner and to the Batcave. She, however, in her infinite wisdom and her keen ability to always make the right decision, was having none of that. He had ignited the blaze and he was going to at least put out some of the sparks shooting out of the flame before leaving the parking lot. He wasn't the only one with magic. By some means she had positioned them at the rear door and managed to get it open. Her fingers had worked feverishly _until his cargos slowly slid to the ground _and she pulled him into the back seat.

Stephanie came back to herself wondering where she was when Lula shook her back to reality.

"You okay girl?"

Steph's eyes were hooded and glazed, "Perfect, absolutely wonderfully perfect." she replied on a sigh.

Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way

****

Title: Payback!

Author: Beth (plum fanatic)

Challenge #5: _Is your ex back to "doing" the reason you divorced him?_

Are you hanging out in a cemetery?,

Are you driving around in a maroon Crown Victoria?

****

Disclaimer: These are not my characters, love them dearly, but they belong to Janet Evanovich and I really don't, nor would I try to make any money from them.

__

Payback!

Stephanie hit 2 on her speed dial. Mary Lou answered on the first ring.

"Stealth mission, now, you up for it?" Steph said.

"Who, what, when, where, why?" Mary Lou asked. It was 9:00 and the kids were asleep. Lenny wouldn't mind if she went out with Steph for the night.

"Dickie and Joyce, bumpin and grindin, 10 minutes, at the cemetery, because no one else will do them and they deserve each other. No skirts, no heels, wear pants and running shoes."

Mary Lou shuddered and said, "Ewwwwww! I'm in. I'll be ready in 3 minutes.

"I'll be out front, hurry, we **_are_** talking about Dickie the Quickie." Steph said.

Mare jumps in the horrendous maroon Crown Victoria.

"What's with the car?"

"Borrowed it from Mooner and Dougie. Didn't want them to see my car, Joyce might recognize it."

"So what's the plan, we don't have a lot of time and how did you find out about this?"

Steph explained that she was bored and thought she would practice her computer hacking skills. She actually hacked into Dickie's email and found messages from . THAT could only be Joyce. They had set up the rendezvous through a series of emails. The Dick had been out of town for 2 weeks. He was horny and ready for some kinky action. Joyce promised he wouldn't be disappointed if he met her at the cemetery. Stephanie had to hold back the urge to heave. But then she realized this was her golden opportunity for payback. She grabbed what she needed and called Mary Lou on the run.

They got to the spot in the cemetery where Joyce and Dickie had arranged to meet and found a perfect location that hid them well but still allowed them to catch all the action.

Dickie arrived first. He was wearing a long trench coat and what looked like motorcycle boots. He found the marker for the gravesite she had told him. He spread out a huge blanket on the ground and sat down leaning his back on the tombstone.

Mary Lou was trying not to gag and Stephanie just closed her eyes. She took several deep but quiet breaths. When she could open her eyes without wanting to run over and kick the shit out of him, she turned on the video camera.

It was like 2 minutes later when they saw her slinking up behind the marker Dickie was leaning on. Joyce was dressed in a full body red and yellow leotard that made her look like some kind of banshee. She had painted a red and black mask on her face and dyed her hair black.

Joyce dropped to all fours and crawled around to face Dickie. The lust was evident in his face and in his crotch as well. He had opened the coat and all he was wearing was a black thong. It was getting tighter by the minute.

Stephanie and Mary Lou had to concentrate like never before to maintain their control and silence. They had turned the other direction, but could still hear the lewd and suggestive things Joyce was spewing.

Thank goodness he lived up to his name and it was a quickie.

Stephanie and Mary Lou were in the Crown Vic and laughing their asses off. When she regained her composure, Steph drove them to Rangeman.

"What are we doing here?"

Steph gave an evil grin. "Rangeman has awesome programs **_and _**ways to hide your identity. Besides, the MM would hate to miss out on the fun."

They went up to the fifth floor and were met by Lester and Bobby. Steph explained what they wanted to do and asked for their help. After the boys got up off of the floor where they had fallen in fits of laughter, they agreed to help.

Ranger came in as they were just finishing sending the last email. Mr. Control didn't fall down laughing but they were rewarded with the 200 watt smile.

"Babe, you really want to do this?"

"Are you nuts, how could I pass up the opportunity?"

"You really hacked in all by yourself? Proud of you, Babe."

"Thanks, I'm proud of me too. And I deserve this. He will never see it coming. I just wish I could see his face when he does see it."

Ranger raised an eyebrow. He turned his back to them, took out his phone and called Hector. No one heard what he was saying.

Hector will make your wish come true Babe. He is on his way to your ex's as we speak. We will all get to see Dickie's reaction. Hector is very good with gadgets and covert operations.

They had sent emails with links to the video to everyone they could think of in Trenton. This was going to set the internet on fire very shortly. The internet hot line was as good if not better than the Burg phone hot line.

Hector called and said all was set. They brought up Dickie's home office on all of the monitors that were available. Cal was staking out the house and called in when Dickie arrived. Joyce had pulled up right behind him. Guess they weren't done yet.

Ranger had one of the guys call Dickie anonymously to tell him to check his email. They could see Dickie on the monitors booting up and then logging in to his email account.

When he clicked on the link and the video loaded, both he and Joyce stood dumbfounded staring at the very clear and close up view of their fantasy sex in the cemetery.

"What the fuck, who the hell did this?" Dickie was yelling.

"Damn, look at me, I'm fucking hot!" Joyce exclaimed.

At Rangeman the laughter went on as everyone watched Dickie ripping his hair out and Joyce replaying the video over and over.

"Babe, you never disappoint." Ranger said while pulling her in for a kiss that left her weak-kneed.

The End

You can see Joyce's outfit at the link below:

imagecache2./images/FAI/2-5.jpg

Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way

****

Title: Silhouettes

Author: Beth (plum fanatic)

Challenge #4: _Use this word to write something less than two hundred (200) words. **"Delusional."** This challenge is meant for something wacky. Something fun._

****

Disclaimer: These are not my characters, love them dearly, but they belong to Janet Evanovich and I really don't, nor would I try to make any money from them. Thanks for the loaner Janet.

**/Silhouettes.html**** You can listen to the song here if you have never heard it, or would like to listen while you read (open in a separate window)**

****

Silhouettes  
Song is by: The Diamonds  


****

I am not going to believe the rumors, it's the Burg, everyone talks and within a half hour every story that hit's the hotline is twisted so far from the truth you just don't know what to believe. She told me she was through with Morelli, we have been together for six whole months now. She just wouldn't throw it all away and marry _him. _Would she? His thoughts were driving him to total distraction.

He had been walking for at least a couple of hours. His head was in a major fog. The guys had told him the rumors that were flying around so fast the phone lines were going to burn up. Morelli proposed and she said yes.

__

Took a walk and passed your house late last night  
All the shades were pulled and drawn way down tight  
From within the dim light cast two silhouettes on the shade  
Oh what a lovely couple they made

****

He looked up from his reverie and saw them in the window. Dear Lord, what was he going to do now? He had planned to ask her to marry him on Valentine's Day. She was the woman of his dreams. The woman he wanted to bear his children for crying out loud. He wanted to protect her and give her the life she _truly_ wanted. He didn't care if her family was a little on the crazy side, who's wasn't anymore, right?  
_Put his arms around your waist, held you tight  
Kisses I could almost taste in the night  
I wondered why I'm not the guy whose silhouette's on the shade  
I couldn't hide those tears in my eyes  
_**Oh, no, she's kissing him. Oh, God, I just can't take this. His fists were clenching and he was working himself up into a rage. He loved her and he wasn't going to let Morelli move in on him. Morelli had his chance and he blew it, SHE'S MINE and he is DELUSIONAL if he thinks otherwise!!**  
_Silhouettes, silhouettes, silhouettes, oh  
Silhouettes, silhouettes, silhouettes, oh_

**He was at the door pounding before he even realized it. His fists were bloody he was hammering so hard. He was crazed and his voice was gruff and menacing, warning them to open the door. **  
_Lost control and rang your bell, I was sore  
Let me in or else I'll beat down your door_

When two strangers who had been two silhouettes on the shade  
Said to my shock 'You're on the wrong block'  
**He was already to go in with punches flying when he realized he didn't know who the hell was standing in front of him. How damn embarrassing was this? Then it dawned on him, wrong house. He apologized to the obvious lovers for his extremely rude behavior and hope spread over him. What the hell am I doing, just go and talk to her. I was in the army, this can't be any harder than that. His step quickened and soon he was sprinting to her door.**  
_Ran down to your house with wings on my feet  
Loved you like I'd never loved you my sweet  
Vowed that you and I would be two silhouettes on the shade  
All of our days two silhouettes on the shade_  
**He only hesitated for a second before knocking on her door, properly. His hands hurt like hell. She came to the door and blurted it out.**

"Is it true, are you going to marry Morelli?"

"What in heaven's name are you talking about?" she asked.

"It's all over town, Morelli asked you to marry him and you said yes, how could you, I thought that…"

"What did you think?"

"Oh the heck with it, I was going to wait until Valentine's Day, but desperate times…I love you so much…Will you marry me? I will be faithful, and loving, I will always treat your family with the deepest respect, I will provide you with anything you need, I will give you the life you have always wanted, please, please, tell Morelli no and say that you will marry me."

Morelli didn't ask me to marry him, he proposed to a girl named Angie I think and she said yes, poor girl, Lord knows what her life will be like."

"Of course I'll marry you Frank, I love you."

"Oh, Ellen, you've made me the happiest man in the world."  
_Silhouettes, silhouettes, silhouettes, oh  
Silhouettes, silhouettes, silhouettes, oh  
Two silhouettes on the shade._

Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way

Weekend Challenges for 4/18 and 4/25 **Challenge using the words: **S**ig Sauer, faded jeans, hands, duffle bag, smile, hard, carpet, thong, angry, toothpaste, touch**

Warning: Not a nice little scenario, read at your own risk.

It started out as such a nice night. Joe rarely had time to take me anywhere. I couldn't believe he actually agreed to join the girls and me for dancing. I think he must have been worried about who I would be dancing with if he didn't come along. Or perhaps he realized I was serious about finding someone who appreciated me when he walked in the bathroom as I was packing my **toothpaste** in my **duffle bag**.

We were dancing close to the steady rhythm of whatever sad song was playing. Maybe it wasn't even a sad song, maybe it was just my mood. I should've been elated that Joe was here with me, holding me, dancing with me when I knew he would much rather be home watching the game. I love the Rangers, but yeesh, a girl needs to get out once in a while.

Lula and Tank seemed oblivious to the world around them; so wrapped up in their embrace. Connie was at our table with Lester. I was finding it hard to believe this was their first date since apparently they couldn't keep their **hands** off one another. Who would've believed that one?

So why couldn't I enjoy myself? I had been so **angry **with Joe for never wanting anything more than Pino's and the TV. I thought just a night out having fun with friends and each other would put _some_ spice back into our relationship.

Something was missing. Joe and I were headed down the primrose path to couple's hell. We were stagnant and if I would admit the truth, I was bored to tears. He wanted to get married and in my mind that would be the beginning of the end of me. No more flights of fancy. No more answering to no one. Nowhere to call my own. I'd be doing dishes and scrubbing the **carpet**. Then there'd be babies and I'd get fat like Valerie.

When I felt the tingle at the back of my neck, I thought no more stolen kisses in the alley. No more Ranger! Oh, shit! He was here; I could feel him. Why of all people did I always know when he was near?

I raised my head from Joe's shoulder to see him as he entered the club. My pulse quickened and I must have gone flush because Joe asked me if I was okay. And I was. A slow **smile **crept over my face as it became clear to me, I didn't belong with Joe any longer. I wasn't fool enough to think Ranger was the answer, he told me a relationship doesn't suit his lifestyle. But I knew at that moment I was ready to take whatever he had to offer. My heart soared and I wanted to run into Ranger's waiting arms as I declared myself to him.

My chest tightened and I swore I was ready to pass out as I realized he wasn't alone. I stiffened noticeably when I saw the tall stunning dark haired woman he pulled close to his side.

It was a casual club yet they were dressed to the nines, evidently, they had been to dinner somewhere besides Pino's where the **faded jeans **I was wearing were the dress code. I assumed they were here to meet with Tank and Lester.

They went right to the dance floor where he molded their bodies so close together it was almost obscene. They swayed so effortlessly to the music that I was sure they had been dancing together forever.

Her dress was so sheer and clinging that I knew she couldn't be wearing even the most delicate **thong **underneath the fine fabric.

I felt my heart being squeezed and I couldn't get any air into my lungs as I watched in horror as his hands went to her perfect ass. He lifted her up to meet his lips for what I was sure must be an orgasmic kiss because I could feel it all the way across the room.

I was going to be sick. I pushed away from Joe spitting out some excuse about needing the bathroom. As I rushed from the dance floor I couldn't help but watch him **touch **her gorgeous face lovingly as he leaned close to speak soft private words meant only for her. Her **smile **was that of a woman that had just been promised a night of passionate lovemaking.

I ran out into the fresh cool air as the tears flowed freely. Was I actually stupid enough to believe he was sitting at home waiting for me to decide the time was right?

I ran blindly through the parking lot bumping into cars and people. The only thing in my head was the realization that the one person in life I had counted on and secretly yearned for belonged to another woman.

I collapsed between two cars and let the devastating pain and self-recrimination wrack my body with hard sobs. I'm not sure how long I sat there letting the tears flow and beating myself up over my own stupidity.

I had flaunted my relationship with Joe consistently. I couldn't begin to think how often Ranger had seen us together. Had it mattered at all to him? He told me he loved me…in his own way…so why was he with another? Well, duh, maybe because she is utterly gorgeous and elegant. But why all of the stolen kisses and the close encounters if he was with someone?

Am I nuts? Did I really think he had no life outside of work? The man is the finest work of art in God's creation and I thought he was sitting at home waiting for me? As if! What a conceited imbecile I had been.

The sound of a couple approaching brought me out of my pity party. I heard the passenger door of the car I was leaning against open. The weight of someone sitting down made the car move against my back.

As if I wasn't punishing myself enough, God decided I needed more. I didn't have to raise my head to know it was Ranger before he even came around the back of the car.

He crouched down in front of me, lifted my chin to see the concern in his eyes. "Babe? What's wrong?"

"Not a thing that can't be solved with a nice **Sig Sauer **with a full clip." I spit out softly before my body shuddered with even more uncontrollable sobs of heartache and misery.

Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way

****

Challenge prompts: satin, leather, pulse, alarm, stool

Ranger's pulse rose as the smooth satin skin of her leg stretched across the expanse of his leather sofa. The tiny skirt she was wearing was hiked so high he could see the barely there scrap of a thong. An alarm went off in his brain telling him this was wrong. She wasn't his and it was his own fault. She had left the door open for him so many times. All of the implications that if he would simply make a commitment she would be his were there. All he had to do was say the words. But weren't actions stronger than words? Hadn't he said I love you and my life is yours in a thousand actions?

He sat beside the sofa on the leather stool to watch her sleep. She was made for him. There were so many signs. And if she was made for him, it was time for him to stake his claim. She didn't wake as he undid the single tie that was holding her halter top in place.

Watching her on distraction tonight had driven him to distraction. Seeing her dance so seductively with her mark almost drove him to blow the whole takedown.

He lowered his mouth to her breast and gently sucked the nipple into his mouth as his hand found its way up the inside of her thigh to tease her through the softness of her panties.

She stirred slightly with a moan.

He was hard instantly. He used his free hand to touch himself for just a moment. It was too much. Screw the alarm. He pushed the sweats off and leaned close enough that his erection touched her side.

One word escaped her lips. "Ranger"

That was all it took to send him into a desire that wouldn't be denied. His fingers slipped past the material blocking covering her beautiful breast and his mouth clamped down taking as much of her mound as possible.

Her eyes flew open in confusion. "Ranger?"

"Babe?" he pulled back knowing she was about to protest.

"Don't" she gasped and stuttered.

He started to back away from her.

She gained her voice again. "Don't stop, please, never stop."

"Not a problem Babe." he promised with great fervor.

And they lived in bliss forever and ever.

Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way

_****_

A long ago forgotten challenge, I don't remember what the prompt was.

Ranger and Tank discussing the 911 call

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not my characters, not making money from them, sure would like to keep them though.

Ranger pulled into the building and headed up to the fourth floor. Tank was watching a few monitors and saw him come in with that almost shit-eating grin on his face. Interesting.

"Hey, Boss."

"Yo, Tank."

"You're off tonight, whatcha doin out so late? You oughta be getting some sleep."

"I was till I got a call from Eliza Doolittle."

"Eliza Whozit?"

"Doolittle, it's not her real…never mind. Got a 911 call and had to rescue her."

"Who'd you have to rescue her from?"

"Frostbite."

"Huh? Never heard of him…what's his deal?"

"Just a cold-hearted asshole. Into bondage and abandonment. Left her hangin'."

"And you helped her because…?"

"Don't really know man, something about her, she's different…unique…might be fun to keep an eye on her, see what she does next."

"You interested in her boss?"

"No, just curious, just someone I met recently, she's an accident waiting to happen."

Yeah, an accident, as in holy shit, I didn't mean to jump you while you were naked, chained to a shower curtain rod. Damn, that's going to be a hard fantasy to get out of my head.

"Maybe, you oughta quit while your ahead."

"Something tells me that's going to be easier said than done my friend."

How did she stir me up so fast? She has spunk, lots of temerity and she's resolved to do this job. She saw right through me the first time we met. And then that ghetto talk comment tonight. I'm in trouble. I should really cut bait and run. But this could really be fun, and I haven't had fun in a long, long time.

Ranger headed for the elevator.

"Goodnight Tank."

"Goodnight, Boss."

Time for that cold shower. Probably going to be a lot of cold showers from here on out.

Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way Babe all the way

****

No idea what this challenge was either.

It was midnight and the wedding reception was winding down. The bride and groom had long since left for some undisclosed exotic honeymoon retreat. Lula and Tank were plastered to each other on the dance floor shuffling their feet more than dancing, neither wanting to break the spell the romantic evening had cast upon the young couples attending the wedding.

It had been a wedding that would be spoken of for years to come. It had been a sudden and seemingly impromptu wedding. Stephanie had simply called to tell Mary Lou on Monday she was getting married at 6PM on Tuesday, April 1st and that Mary Lou should spread the word that anyone who wanted to be there was welcome. It was all a mystery. Mary Lou couldn't even get out of her who she was marrying. Joe or Ranger? The church was overflowing and the TPD had to call in extra help for crowd and traffic control. The Bridal March began playing before there was anyone besides the priest standing at the alter. All eyes shifted to the back of the church to see Stephanie, beautiful in her gown, as she walked down the aisle with her father. Halfway down the aisle a radiant smile full of love and desire came across her face as her groom appeared as if from no where at the alter. He was over six feet tall, with wavy blond hair pulled into a ponytail, deep-set brown eyes, and an athlete's body, dressed in a pair of jeans, boots, and a black leather tuxedo jacket complete with bow tie and cummerbund. The murmur ran rapidly through the church as everyone's gaze fell upon the man Stephanie Plum would spend the rest of her life with. The question on everyone's lips was "Who is _he_?"

Joe and Ranger sat at the bar drowning their sorrows in their beer.

"She was supposed to marry me, bear my children, clean my house and keep Bob and 'the boys' happy." Joe slurred.

"Yeah, and I told her I could make her forget about you and ruin her for all other men." Ranger sighed.

"Fucking Diesel got there first and made her forget both of us." Joe bellowed as he ordered a couple more shots and chasers. Maybe by midnight tomorrow he would be drunk enough to get through this.


End file.
